Blue Scream of Jeff: April 2014

Sunday, April 27, 2014

There’s Gnome place for technology in this yard

A rosebush by any other name in my garden would still be just as dead.

After an especially brutal winter, spring has finally sprung here in the Northeast where I live, and as I look out my window at my backyard, which as been devastated by the twin insults of a seemingly never-ending series of winter snow and ice storms and a dog who loves to dig, one question comes to mind:

Where the hell are my #@%^! lawn gnomes?!

These are NOT the Gnomes, I'm looking for....

I’m not talking about those chintzy types that hold lanterns or loiter in flower beds vogueing for passers-by. Nor am I referring to the type that hawk cheap travel Web sites.

The kinds I've been waiting for are the ones that live under mushrooms and come out at night when everyone’s asleep, clean up the garden beds, pull weeds and keep the lawn neatly trimmed.

I've lived in my house now for over 15 years and I have seen neither hide nor hair of them! And it’s not like I don’t have enough mushrooms growing in my yard. Just ask my neighbors…

If I don’t see evidence soon that they are doing at least some of my yard work, I’m going to evict their pointy little heads once-and-for-all!

Now I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I’m not lazy. In fact, I’m a die-hard DIYer and look forward to doing projects around my house. But what I like about most DIY projects is that after you complete them, they are done.

Completed.

Finito.

There’s no going back week after week and doing the exact same mindless task over and over again. No pulling weeds, no raking leaves or cutting the grass.

Those are jobs best suited to lawn gnomes or technology.

Unfortunately in this super, high-tech age of Internet enabled everything, no one’s come up with a way to take the drudgery out of yardwork.

Apparently there ain’t no App for that!

Ok, so a robot mower made by Cyberdyne Systems
and controlled by Skynet may not be such a good idea after all....

I mean, seriously, how hard would it be to mount a series of super-sharp, mulch-through-anything lawnmower blades, a string-line trimmer and hedge clippers on a Roomba? Or attach a pair of flame weeders to an RC vehicle steered by the camera on a smart phone running an “app” that can recognize different types of weeds? Or what about a low-flying drone that can sweep down over my lawn spreading fertilizer or seed like a crop duster.

What could possibly go wrong with devices like these?

I mean besides the whole robot-apocalypse thing, where all our machines and computers go all “Skynet” on us and decide to wipe out humanity.

Sigh….

Well, I guess until the geniuses at Apple, Google and/or Microsoft realize we don’t need yet another lighter/faster/smarter phone, tablet PC, watch, thermostat, refrigerator or eyeglasses and start making devices that really do make our lives easier, I’m going to have to rely on those lazy, good-for-nothing lawn gnomes to help me with my yard work.

Maybe I should start looking for them in the spot where my house elves have disappeared to. ’Cause judging by the layer of dust on my furniture, the dog hair on my rug and the laundry piling up in the hamper, they have haven’t been working lately either.