Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Gift guide for the truly deserving geek....me!
It’s a sound idea and for the past 20 years, I can honestly say that I’ve never received one of those ugly sweater-type of gifts from any of her relatives that made me want to ask myself, “What the hell were they thinking?” when thanking them.
However, I’ve always felt a bit uneasy about making a list for them. You see I’m a tech geek with an addiction to making sawdust, two hobbies which ain’t exactly cheap, and the stuff I truly want is always expensive. So when I take a look at my finished list each year, I can’t help think what a greedy, self-centered bastard it makes me look like.
So in an effort to appear less of a jerk – and because I’ve also got kind of a twisted sense of humor – I’ve always tried to make my lists humorous by adding things even Bill Gates and Donald Trump would be embarrassed to ask for. Then just to push the whole thing over the top, I add a paragraph or three about why I totally deserve these luxuries.
I’m told my wife's family gets a good laugh from my lists and looks forward to reading them each year. So this year, I figured I’d share mine with you and hope you get a good laugh from it as you prepare to engage in the annual madness that is Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Jeff's Geeky-Gift Guide for 2014
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Hey, if Norm's not using it, why should it go to waste? I'd promise to take good care of it! |
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| Huston, we have liftoff! |
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| This is not as cool as the Emperor 200, but it looks perfect for a Sith Lord. |
OTHER DESK CHAIRS. So, it looks like I’m not worth a measly six grand to you people? Fine. Then how bout these other desk chairs: Either the DXRacer Office Chair MX0/NC at $430 or the DXRacer Office Chair FE08NB at $350. Both look comfortable. I particularly like the adjustable lumbar pillow and the fact that they recline. Still to rich for you? Then how ’bout the VIVA Office 08501. This totally reclinable chair with foot rest and the world longest name is on Amazon right now for a special Black Friday price of $320
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| Admit it, you want one of these too! |
SAMSUNG UN55H7150 55-INCH 1080P 240HZ 3D SMART LED TV: Still no? You people are tough. Okay I’d settle for this very modest 55” flat screen. At just under a grand, it even features voice command so I don’t have to bother getting my fat butt off the couch to find the remote! (Bonus points: It would also make me feel like I’m on the bridge of the Enterprise! “Computer, please eject Wesley Crusher out the nearest airlock immediately!”)  |
| Sure it's expensive, but I could have asked for a Festool Dust Extratractor! |
FEIN TURBO II DUST EXTRACTOR: Yup, this year I want a gift that really sucks. And nothing sucks better and QUIETER than one of these orange and black babies. They produce only 67 dB (A) of noise as opposed to the 80-120 dB other shop vacs make. It also has a tool actuated switch that will start and stop the vac at the same time as the tool that is plugged into it for maximum dust extraction. Yes this unit is three-times more expensive than the ones you can get at big-box stores, but isn’t my hearing worth the $400 price tag! Fein Turbo II Dust Extractor, model 92028236090 is only $400. But if you really care about me and more importantly, my lungs, you'll splurge and for the extra $100 get me the HEPA filter equipped unit, Fein Turbo II HEPA Dust Extractor, model 92028236990, $500
SSD HARD DRIVE: I’m looking to upgrade a Dell XPS system I was given, and in order to make it a worthy successor to my trusty old Windows XP workstation -- and to make the Windows 7 really fly on it -- I need an solid state hard drive and bracket for it. Luckily you can get both the Samsung 840 EVO 250GB 2.5-Inch SATA III Internal SSD (MZ-7TE250BW) and the Silverstone Tek 3.5-Inch to 2 X 2.5-Inch Hard Drive HDD SSD Bay Converter, Silver (SDP08) on Amazon for a total of $130. And since the price is so cheap, you could even get me a two of those Samsung 840 EVO drives, as the bracket can hold two!
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You'll have nailed it if you get me
one of these. In fact you could say it'll become a workshop staple! |
PORTER-CABLE NS150C NARROW CROWN STAPLER: Okay, it’s no ray gun, but for attacking…er.. attaching backs to the cabinets and furniture I build, something like this is even better! The 18 gage staples hold better than the brads I currently use. It’s not like I can’t live without this, but hey, if your too cheap to get me my damned workshop, then the least you could do would be to cough up the $75 to get me this!
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| Who said everything Steampunk had to have gears on it? |
GERMAN SAFETY GOGGLES: Speaking of health and safety, my eyes could use some extra protection and my current crop of safety glasses are all scratched up. There is really nothing you can do to fix those cheap plastic lenses, (believe me, I’ve looked!), so I’ve decided it’s time you treat me to a new pair of safety glasses. And not some cheap junk from the big-box store. No. I want something stylish and practical! Something that says I’m more than just your average woodworker! Something that says, I’m a MAKER! Dammit! Nothing screams "I'm a Maker" more than these Steampunk-inspired safety glasses from Lee Valley/Veritas, $16. Plus, for an extra $3 you can get me the swappable tinted lenses that I can put in when doing yard work. Just imaging the suave, geeky figure I’d cut pushing the lawn mower through our weeds wearing these and my pith-helmet! (and yes, I DO have a pith-helmet)
BIONIC FACE SHIELD: Just the name alone should tell you why they’re perfect for someone like me. I mean how much more geeky can you get, than naming your product Bionic? And while they won’t give me Steve Austin-like vision nor even make that cool do-do-do-do sound they will protect my face better than the German Safety Glasses I mentioned when I’m at the lathe. $21
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Yup, that's me in my jacket
30 years ago! |
BUTTON CLOSING FENCING JACKET: Out of all the gifts on this list, this one will be the most challenging for you to get. So if you really want to prove you love me, you’ll find me one of these to replace my vintage Santelli fencing jacket I’ve worn for more than 25 years! Alias my current jacket is beginning to fray and is a bit worn and may no longer be competition legal. It’s made of heavy duck canvas, closes on the left (I’m right handed after all) and is a size 40. Don’t know if any of these fencing equipment makers can do custom jobs but you can start your search by contacting these fencing equipment manufacturers: Blade Fencing Equipment, Triplette Competition Arms, Absolute Fencing Gear and Leon Paul
PADDED PRACTICE SLEEVE: Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Why should I get him a padded sleeve, when he really needs to be fitted for an entire padded jacket?” Well, if you can’t find me the button closing fencing jacket I want, what makes you think you’re going to be able to find me one of those, smarty-pants? Luckily for you, a padded practice sleeve is readily available and will protect me from all those arm touches during epee practice. $28 WOOD MAGAZINE RENEWAL: Look if you got me my heated 20' x 20' shop, I wouldn’t have to while away the long, cold months here in the great Northeast reading about all the cool things I could be making if I just had a nice warm shop to be in. But sadly you keep refusing me, so now I must resort to bugging you to renew a magazine subscription for me. Some people….
A three year subscription for the price of one is now just $28.
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Don't let Moose and Squirrel
'foil' Boris' plans again! |
TITAN ELECTRIC EPEE GUARD: It’s a well-known fact that epee guards take quite the beating (and are sometimes even used to beat another blade out of the way) and the one on my Russian gripped epee (I call him Boris) has literally had the rivets beaten off it. So it needs to be replaced so I can again have two functioning weapons. After all, you don’t want my Zikov-gripped epee, Natasha, to be lonely do you? So don’t just get this for me. Get me it for Natasha’s sake, dollink. $25
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| Every woodworker needs his vises... |
CLAMPS: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Woodworkers can never have too many vises, so clamps will always be on my list. Anything from the two-foot Irwin Quick Grips you can get at the Home Depot or Lowes to this Jet 70411 Parallel Clamp Cabinet Door Set, ($270) will do.
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